since r-zage banned me from telling jokes, you guys need to tell me some.:goofer: This ends friday. Post a joke..doesnt matter if it is good or bad, if I like it, you win. ONLY ONE JOKE PER PERSON winner will be PM'd and I will tell him his prize. ready....go stainless
this should literally knoc the opposition out There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate." The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
LOL, nice spock. Here's mine: This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?" The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!" Phoenix
There were 4 guys walking down the alley when they came up to some dog poo . The first one bends down to feel it , says it feels like dog poo , next guy bends down to smell it , say smells like dog poo , third one bends down to taste it , says it tastes like dog poo , the last guy says darn we're lucky we didn't step in it . rzage
only 1 joke huh? Hm... A blonde is on the side of the side of the road with her older VW bug. She's standing next to the car hoping someone will pull over. Another blond driving in the same car sees her distress and decides to pull over and help. She gets out of the car and asks the girl what is wrong. The blond tells her that her car stopped working, and when she pulled over and opened the hood to check the engine, she found it wasnt there. The blond that pulled over says, "oh that's ok, I have a spare one in the back"
A grave robber is doing his job, when another grave robber ask, way this grave? cus' there is three men buried here, wow! how do you know there is three men buried here, that easy read the stone. Here lays my husband the lawyer, a good man, an honest man.
DO YOU FART IN BED? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.' kona
A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog. The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms. He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman. Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him. The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor. Originally posted here: http://www.cointalk.org/showthread.php?p=375794#post375794
I don't know if this is over but try this. "You Can't Read This & Stay In A Bad Mood" 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame RabbitTame Way. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one! 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?Subordinate Clauses. [FONT=Kristen ITC]10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?[/FONT]Quattro Sinko 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?Because They Have Big Fingers . 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?Because It Scares The Dog. [FONT=Kristen ITC]18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?[/FONT]Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack . 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
