Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

Hand him a sign that says "Turn Over" on both sides of the sign.


Smaugy.....

 

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Went through all the jokes, I even made sure I read every single one, and unfortunatly none made me laugh. Not even smile. So, what we are going to have to do is just start over. I'll have to go make a new thread, I'm sorry guys.

Phoenix

 

PHSYCHE!

Phoenix

 

Actually, I'm having a hard time picking three, and making the others just three pointers, lol.

Phoenix

 

i will tell you later

 

:d

 

well i deserve the first prize based on GD conceding the race to me

 

tsk tsk i am glad Phoenix is the judge pretty soon we will see you on the bench

 

Okay, I've finally gone through each page, and I've picked the winners. Some people I gave extra points too, that were really funny, but didn't make it into the Top Three. The winners are:

Third Place:

GDJMSP with:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Alabama man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the
bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Alabama man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you. But after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.




Second Place goes too:

Speedy with:

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man
elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only
the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

And first place goes too.....



Walterallen! His joke was:

Three blondes die at the same time. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, they are met by Saint Peter, who informs them that heaven has too many dump blonde's, and for them to be able to enter, they will have to correctly answer a simple question.
The first blonde steps up, and Saint Peter asks her to tell him what the true meaning of Easter is. She replies, that's simple, Easter is when Santa Claus comes and brings us lots of presents. Saint Peter says, that's incorrect, your out of here, dump blonde, on your way! The second blonde steps up and Saint Peter asks the same question. She answers, that's easy, Easter is all about getting candy from the Easter Bunny and looking for Easter eggs. Saint Peter puts his hand to his fore head and replies, NO! you dump blonde that's incorrect, your out of here too, on your way! The last blonde steps forward and Saint Peter asks her the same question. She replies, that' easy!, Easter is about remembering and commemorating our Lord Jesus Chris and how he died on the cross for us and how he was laid to rest in a cave and how he rose three days later and when he step out of the cave if he saw his shadow it would be six more weeks of winter.



Each will be awarded the points for those places, congrats to the winners! But, there are still more points to give out, some bonus points and the 3 pointers (the ones that made me smile ) The ones that get extra points, but did not quite make it are:

Treashunt gets 10 points for:

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Spock gets 5 points for:

there were 10 mods going in the bus and a driver who is spock after a while the bus broke down so spock asked them all to get down and push a few minutes passed and the bus didnt move so the driver yelled push harder a few more minutes went by and the bus still didnt move so spock yelled what a bunch of good for nothing mods and he climbed down to see what was happening. you know what he saw?

He saw that 5 mods were pushing from the front and 5 were pushing from behind.

jon67 will get 5 points for this joke:

The Magician and the Parrot There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when the parrot said i still cant figure out where you hid the ship.

5 points goes to someone for this joke (can't remember who posted this one, so the first one that posts the username of the member that posted it, will get a bonus 5 points )

Speedy posted this joke, thanks GD!:

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"


Treashunt gets another 5 for this one:

A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"

The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."

Now I'm gonna go back and add up the ones that are the 3 pointers, and then award those points to them. Thanks for all that particapated, more still to come!

Phoenix

 

hooray this should put me in with 100 points for the KO round

 

GDJMSP: 147
Cave Troll: 105
codydude815: 104
spock1k: 102
monkeyman: 58
Speedy: 80
DJCoins: 74
jon67: 74
mikenoodle: 33
mralexanderb: 13
Treashunt: 15 points
Topher: 28
walterallen: 50 points
1877: 10 points

Phoenix

 

3 pointers:

Spock:
A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours

Topher?:

During the French Revolution a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are all to be put to death by the guillotine.

The lawyer lies down, waiting for the blade to come down. When the blade drops it suddenly stops inches away from the lawyer's throat. Every watching agrees he can't be legally executed twice, so they let him go free.

The priest goes next and the same thing happens, the blade stops inches from his throat. Everyone watching agrees he was saved by divine intervention, so they let him go free.

The engineer is next, he stares up at the blade and suddenly he shouts out "Wait a second, I see your problem..."


25 point groaner winner:
Topher
Q: How do you catch a unique bird?

A: Unique up on it!

There are more that more than make it into the three pointers, but I have to go back and match the jokes to the usernames. I just didn't want to have spock wait anymore to see if he made it to the top five. Congrats spock on making it! One more spot to fill, maybe the 3 pointers will help that other person, or we'll have to do yet anotehr round, lol.

Phoenix

 

See the post two posts above for scores (I will edit it to add the new scores when I get them all tallied).

Phoenix

 

Thanks GD, another 5 points for you then. :thumb:

Phoenix

 

what???? i thought you were unbiased? Speedyposts the joke GD gets the points? i think for the KO round we need an impartial referee. I recommend stainless or jacervone

 

LOL, spock, go back and read the original post, I said whoever can get me the members name that posted that joke gets a bonus 5 points. Maybe I should deduct some points from your score spock, LOL. J/K

Phoenix

 

hmm you buried all that info in fine print. i would still say we amke the KO round a grading round we all know what happened in the first round