Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this?"

 

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A dog walks into a post office and writes on a piece of paper, "Woof Woof. Woof Woof Woof. Woof Woof." The telegraph operator looks at the paper and says, "For the same price, you could print another woof." Confused and distressed, the dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."

 

A woman's husband dies, so she goes to the newspaper office to submit an obituary. She says, "Let's print 'Harold is dead.'" The columnist says, "For the same price you could print six words." "Ok, how about 'Harold is dead, Toyota for sale.'"

 

#2
It was a bitterly cold wnter day. A man went fishing and cut a hole in the ice, but didn't catch a thing. Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby and proceeded to catch fish after fish.
Eventually the man went over to the buy and said: "I've been here 6 hours and haven't caught one fish. Yet you have been here 45min. and have caught at least 10. What is your secret?"
The boy replied: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."
"Sorry", sald the man. "I didn't catch that"
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."
"i'm sorry. I can't understand a word you are saying"
The boy spat a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said: "you have to keep the worms warm"

Speedy

 

and I know I should post a blonde joke...I know too many Blondes but here is one

#3
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the hatch!

Speedy

 

A redneck was walking his horse and was troubled because his horse did not want to drink water, billy bob saw his problem and offered to help him, you sure you can help me and my horse billy bob, sure i can now let's find a puddle of water to make the horse drink OK, they came to a little puddle of water on the dirt road.
OK I'm going to tell you how we can make this horse drink some water but you got to do what i say.
Sure billy bob any thing you say, OK I'm going to hold the horses head in the water, you are going to suck on the horses back end hole, are you sure that's going to work billy bob, sure it is it always dose.
OK you ready, sure billy bob, ok start sucking..........................stop
stop, billy lifts the horses head out of the water i to much at one time the horse might choke. ok one more time, he putts the head in the water, ok start sucking............stop stop,he lets the horse get some air..... ok, one more time head is down start sucking......... ...........spit spit spit spit. WHAT THE HELL billy bob, you might wanna lift the head up a little bitt I think you have it to low and im sucking up some mud..

 

2 hours and 30 minutes left. No more will be accepted after 8 pm. Good luck, and thanks to all that have participated so far!

Phoenix

 

#4

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

 

#5
Three friends went to a business conference. When they arrived at their motel the second night the hotel clerk told them that the elevator had broken. They would have to climb the 86 flights of stairs to get to their room. The friends agreed that they would break up the long walk up the stairs by dividing them into three sections. For the first section the one guy would sing songs, for the second section the second friend would tell funny stories, and for the last part the third friend would tell sad stories. They started up the stairs and the first guy sang songs. When they got to the second section, the second friend proceeded to tell stories. Upon reaching the last section of stairs the third guy said, 'I'll start with the saddest stories first............. I left the keys in the car.'

 

he means in 2 hours 30 minutes i will be declared the winner

 

well here are some more it really has to be a spock versus GD final otherwise all the laughter will be gone

Fiona came from a nice family, and had recently started her first job in a jeweller's. She was very interested in all the different gemstones, and wanted to learn how to identify them. One day whilst helping to clean the stock, she came across a ring with dozens of stones in it, every one a different colour. Fascinated, she asked the owner why they were all different, and he carefully explained that it was an "alphabet" ring, guaranteed to contain every letter of the alphabet at least once. Being keen to put her new-found gemmological knowledge into practice, she started to study the ring, to try to identify all the different stones. Because her name started with "F", she expected to find a fire opal, but couldn't, and she mentioned this fact to the jeweller. He replied that fire opals were a little too soft to use in rings, but it wasn't necessary for the stones to start with a particular letter, it could be anywhere in the name. After another ten minutes, Fiona could still not find an "F", so she tackled her boss about which gemstone contained the missing letter. "Sapphire, of course", he said (many jewellers seem to be a bit week on their spellings). "But there is no "F" in sapphire", said the well educated Fiona. "Oh, it must have dropped out in the ultrasonic cleaning tank", said the jeweller

 

A lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
Special Offer - exclusive to Internet viewers "No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a ten carat size

 

Rachel, darling, how wonderful to see you after all these years! My life, what an incredibly large diamond ring you've got. Is it a very famous diamond?"
"Oh yes, Hermione, it's the famous Bloomenstein diamond, but it's got a curse with it".
"Really, what's the curse?"
"Mr. Bloomenstein, of course!", says Rachel.

 

only 30 more minutes to go


Men who wear ear-rings are reckoned to make good husbands because:-

1. They have experienced pain.
2. They have bought jewellery.

 

Alright, sorry about the delay, tried to get on last night, but, lol, you know. I will go through the jokes, and announce the winner hopefully tonight! No more will be accepted now. Thanks to all that participated!

Phoenix

 

yes let the best spock er i mean contestant win

 

The contest winner should be announced tomorrow, ran out of time tonight, it's tough going through 8 pages of jokes, LOL. Sorry about the delay!

Phoenix

 

looks like it aint happening today is it ?

 

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

 

LOL, sorry, I forgot to go through them last night, (should hire some people to help me go through all of them. ) I will try my best tonight to announce the winners, sorry about the delay!

Phoenix