Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

Redneck Joke

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." :mouth:[/FONT]

 

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:whistle: Hellloooooooo.

Phoenix

 

That what GD means when he says he has a talent for understanding woman

Ill take my 60 points now Phoenix

 

even GD agrees time to declare me the winner

 

:desk::headbang::computer::hammer:Blondes againhya::rolling::goofer:

 

[FONT=Verdana, Arial]A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"[/FONT]

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!

 

Only a few more days left, get them in while ya can. BTW, hopefully I will be able to reveal what the prize is that the winner gets that wins the entire contest. But we'll see, but it will be good.

Phoenix

 

Yes, she is real! Your next date perhaps?

 

Lol, a joke very similiar has already been posted Cheryl, but you can edit that one and replace it with a new if you'd like.

Phoenix

 

Check out the new post , I hope that made you groan

 

look at my signature that alone deserves a prize

 

Ummm, I'm sorry Cheryl, but I'm going to pass, I just couldn't keep her to myself, so I'll just let spock date her.

Phoenix

 

no you can have her wouldnt want you to be deprived

 

I'll try to post some more jokes here shortly.....I just haven't had time to get on here as much as I would like too. The business I co-own is getting ready to hit the road for 3 days to an out of town trade show and it is running me to-death.....

I will say that some of the jokes in the last few pages have been funny...

Speedy

 

I know ya'll like Blondes so I am helping out here. Work with me

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson pitch their tent under the stars. Late during the night, Sherlock wakes up Watson and says, "Watson, look up in the sky, what do you see?" Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of planets." "And what do you deduce from that?", Sherlock asks. "Well, if even only a few of those planets are like Earth, there's a good chance that life is out there somewhere." "Watson! You idiot! It means someone stole our tent!"

 

Two hunters are walking through the woods. All of a sudden, one of the hunters drops to the ground, a glaze over his eyes. His friend whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He says, "Help! I think my friend is dead." Calmly, the operator replies, "Ok, first make sure he is dead. After a brief pause, two shots ring out. Back on the line, the hunter says, "What now?"