Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

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Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?

A: In France.

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Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

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Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

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Q: How many gears does a French tank have?

A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

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French Military Rifle for sale on eBay: "Never been shot, only dropped once!"

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Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along
the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out
of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The Englishman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in England." With a blink
of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in England was forever made fertile
for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that
no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the
Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The American asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
nothing can get in or out."

The American says, "Fill it up with water

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George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.

Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.

George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

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The only seat available on the train was next a well dressed middle-aged French woman and was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.

An English man sitting opposite spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong b**** out the window."

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"In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from Run to Hide.

If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to Surrender, or even as high as Collaborate."

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Q: How many wars have the French won?

A: One - The French Revolution

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Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to successfully defend Paris?

A: We won't know until it has been done.

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Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a Catfish?

A: One is an ugly, scum sucking, ungrateful bottom feeder and the other is a fish

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President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The french ambassador, although, did not understand. It seems there is no word for" bath" in french.

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An old saying: "Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French."

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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
Regis Philbin

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get Hitler out of France either.”
Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for “more proof’’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
David Letterman

 

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Which ten do you want to use Topher? LOL, remember the limit.

Phoenix

 

You guys....I don't think I have laughed so much in years. These jokes are really first rate. Topher...please...my sides are aching.

 

***UPDATE****​

I will award 25 points for the first groaner after this post that makes me really groan, and that I haven't read before. That won't be a real easy task. This does not count towards the ten limit, but you can only post one, and it has to be really bad. Everyone is allowed one free groaner (pun), even after the 35 point winner, the ones after that that are really bad, will be awarded 5 points. But, it's up to me, and what I percieve as good (bad )

Phoenix

 

Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle. It was so ugly that everyone died.
The end.

-64s []

 

That was waste quiting Spongebob, I don't like him, LOL. Do you count that as your groaner?

Phoenix

 

Ode To Dumb Blondes

Three blondes die at the same time. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, they are met by Saint Peter, who informs them that heaven has too many dump blonde's, and for them to be able to enter, they will have to correctly answer a simple question.
The first blonde steps up, and Saint Peter asks her to tell him what the true meaning of Easter is. She replies, that's simple, Easter is when Santa Claus comes and brings us lots of presents. Saint Peter says, that's incorrect, your out of here, dump blonde, on your way! The second blonde steps up and Saint Peter asks the same question. She answers, that's easy, Easter is all about getting candy from the Easter Bunny and looking for Easter eggs. Saint Peter puts his hand to his fore head and replies, NO! you dump blonde that's incorrect, your out of here too, on your way! The last blonde steps forward and Saint Peter asks her the same question. She replies, that' easy!, Easter is about remembering and commemorating our Lord Jesus Chris and how he died on the cross for us and how he was laid to rest in a cave and how he rose three days later and when he step out of the cave if he saw his shadow it would be six more weeks of winter.

 

I'm not in it for the points. I've just got a lot of jokes rattling around in my head. There's nothing else up there anyway!

 

My kids love this one:

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?

A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame bird?

A: Tame way Tupid! Unique up on it!

 

Genie's Lamp.....

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.

Upon examination, he sees that it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, "I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish."

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but I'd like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie looked disappointed. He said, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far ingrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.

I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," said the man, "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."

The genie replied, "let me see that map again."

 

There was this great land war between two different countries and everyone was getting drafted to fight at the front. This one kid got drafted and with very little training he was sent to the front lines.

When he reported to the front lines, they directed him to a supply sergeant. He handed the kid a stick and told him "when they get near you, you point the stick at them and go Bang, Bang!". Then he sent him off to his foxhole.

The following morning just after sunrise the enemy attacked. The boy was hiding in his foxhole and he saw the lines of the enemy coming close. As they got close to his foxhole, the kid pointed the stick at one guy and went "Bang, Bang!". That enemy fell over dead. He pointed it at another one and went "Bang, Bang!". Another one fell over dead....he kept doing this over and over and many of the enemy were killed.

During a lull in the battle the supply sergeant stopped by his foxhole and tied a string to the end of his stick. He told the kid "When they get too close, just point this and go Stab, Stab!".

The attack started up again and the kid was pointing his stick and yelling "Bang, Bang!" and knocking the enemy down. They started getting very close to his foxhole and he remembered what the supply sergeant said and pointed it at on enemy that was very close and said "Stab, Stab!". That guy fell over dead. He pointed it at another and saying "Stab, Stab!" got the same reaction. This kept going on all afternoon with him killing the enemy right and left. Later in the afternoon one enemy personnel starting heading towards his foxhole walking very funny -- bouncing up and down and side to side. The youth pointed his stick at him and said "Bang, Bang!". Nothing happened. The youth did it again, still nothing. He tried a couple more times and still nothing. As the enemy got closer to his foxhole, he said "Stab, Stab!". Nothing. He tried it again and still nothing....

By this time the enemy was at his foxhole. He plowed into the kid, knocking him to the ground and walking all over him. The kid lay there bleeding and battered and as the enemy wandered off away from his foxhole he heard him say "Tank, tank, tank!".

 

#1

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man
elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only
the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

 

I love red neck jokes.

Phoenix

 

Redneck Jokes

Redneck Jokes

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ​

~~~~~​

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."​

 

The bartender was washing his glasses and an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"

 

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya B???? Spit it out!"

 

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10. Size does matter

I had to do it because of the blonde jokes

 

Memo To All Employees...

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough ****
on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 

Circle flies...

A farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper starts to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general begins to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper gets around to writing out the ticket, all the while swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer says, "Having some problems with them there circle flies, are ya?"

The trooper stops writing the ticket and says, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then, after a minute, he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's good," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?