Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

and a third we ar eon a roll

What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day

 

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the oscar for the best joke goes to spock

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours

 

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

 

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Boat troubles

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
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whats up with the blonde jokes?

husband was helping fold the laundry with his wife. Wife picked up a pair of his pants and made the remark- "What large pants you have" he relpied with , "Remember who is the big boss around here". So the husband picked up her pants a said" you have a small pair of pants and I couldn't get into them". Wife said "if you don't change you attitude you wouldn't get into them".

 

LOL...thanks for the chuckle.

 

I will.....just wait The best part is normally last

Speedy

 

Subject: LOL- my homemade chilie . . .

I went grocery shopping recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
patented 'You're definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your edited cheeks
WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart
grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you
don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta
go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large
intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction
of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has
never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly,
the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and
I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head
as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, '***********!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to
have to repaint the store..


​

 

A Frenchman, an English man and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe.

As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,”The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I’ll take poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.

The Englishman says,”A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at hishead, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,”Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over — the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, “What are you doing?”

The New Yorker looks at thechief and says, “So much for your canoe, edited !”

 

During the French Revolution a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are all to be put to death by the guillotine.

The lawyer lies down, waiting for the blade to come down. When the blade drops it suddenly stops inches away from the lawyer's throat. Every watching agrees he can't be legally executed twice, so they let him go free.

The priest goes next and the same thing happens, the blade stops inches from his throat. Everyone watching agrees he was saved by divine intervention, so they let him go free.

The engineer is next, he stares up at the blade and suddenly he shouts out "Wait a second, I see your problem..."

 

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud @$$ trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

 

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

 

ROFLMAO I THINK WITH THAT YOU SHOULD WIN

 

Elephant- A Heart Warming Story





IncredibleStory


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing withone leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over therailing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid edited against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.


This is for all of my friends who send those heart-warming stories.

 

An American, Englishman and a Polish man go deer hunting in Vermont and stay in a cabin there for a few days.

The first morning the American goes out and comes back a couple of hours later with an 8 point buck. The Englishman says "How did you do that?". The American replies "Well, I went out and found some tracks. I followed those tracks and finally got this deer." The Englishman say "Hrm, that sounds easy."

The following morning the Englishman goes out and comes back at the end of the day with a 6 point buck. The Polish man say "How did you do that?". The Englishman replies "Well, I went out and found some tracks. I followed those tracks and finally got this deer." The Polish man say "Hrm, that sounds easy".

The following morning the Polish man goes out to get a deer. His two friends are a bit concerned because he is a bit of a klutz but hopes he will be ok. At dusk he hasn't returned and his two friends start to worry. At midnight he still hasn't returned. They decide to go looking for him at first light.....

Well they get up first thing in the morning and he still isn't back. So they get dressed up and start to head out the door and find the Polish guy laying outside the door all bloodied, battered and bruised. They drag him into the cabin and clean him up and lay him down. At bit later they ask him what happend to him.

He answered "I did what you guys suggested. I went out and found some tracks. I followed those tracks for quite a while....and then got him by a train!".

 

This is the best one ever.

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation,
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law.Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half brother.This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also my grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.to sum up,I am my stepmother's brother-in-law; my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. And you think you have family problems?"


-64s []

 

That's a great song!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I'm_My_Own_Grandpa

Listen to Ray Steven's version here:

http://www.ziplo.com/grandpa.htm

 

Frank; you are the best . LOL!!!

 

OMG...winner...I cried it was so funny