Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

So you post one and show us what you think is funny.

 

One Man's Dog

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss." I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's" answered the man.

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"


The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"


The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.


The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.


The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "&$#@ !... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

 

A father, son, and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. As they are getting ready to tee off on the first tee, a
beautiful young blonde lady carrying her golf clubs approaches them. She
explains that the club member who invited her to play a round of golf had an
emergency which called him away, so she asks the trio whether she may join
them.

Naturally, the guys agree. The blonde kindly thanks them and says, "Look,
fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore.
If any of you wants to smoke a cigar, drink a beer, bet, swear, tell
off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round
together, please go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and consider myself
quite good at it, so you don't need to coach me about how to play my shots."

With that the guys invite her to be the first to hit off the tee. All eyes
are fixed on her shapely behind as she bends over to place her ball on the
tee She then takes her driver and cleanly hits the ball 250 yards down
the middle, for an easy second shot to the green. The Father's mouth is
agape, "That was a beautiful drive," he said. The blonde puts her driver
away and says, "I really didn't get into it, I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and approach their second shots to
the green, the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five
feet of the hole. The Son says to the Lady, "Damn, you played that
perfectly!"
The blonde frowns and says, "It was a little short. I've left myself a
tricky little putt." After the Son sinks a long putt for a par, Dad two
putts for a bogey and Granddad who overruns the green with his pitching
wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the Lady taps in the
five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her excellent performance as she puts her
putter back in her bag and says, " I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really
get into the swing of things on this next hole."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and hits the ball
nearly 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the
round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting
for a par or birdie on every hole.

When they reach the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a
very tough 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She looks at the
three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a
bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot,
but I need this putt for a 69, and I'd really like to break 70 on this
course. If any one of you can advise me how to make this putt, I'll take
you back to my apartment, open some fine wine, fix dinner, and show you a
good time the rest of the evening."

The Son jumps at the thought and strolls across the green, carefully
focusing the line of the putt and says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the
right of the hole and hit it firm. The ball must get over that little hump
and then it will break right into the cup."

The Father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, Darling, you want to hit it softly 2 inches to
the right and let it run down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The older gray haired Grandfather strolls over to the blonde's ball on the
green, picks it up and hands it to her and says, "That's a gimme,
Sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Remember that age, experience, and treachery will triumph over youth and
skill every time!