Mods VS Members Contest: Part V, Joke Time!

First off, I want to start off apologizing for taking so long for this next stage to come. But hopefully it'll be worth it. It might help benefit all of us, lol. I've been thinking for quite awhile on this, on what for the next stage of this contest should be. I was wanting to do a scavenger hunt, but I want to save that for later. So, I thought I would do a joke contest. All you have to do is post a joke, and you're entered. You can post up to ten jokes, so choose them carefully. And I will choose which one I think is funniest. Remember, like coin grading, humor is subjective, so you might want to go back and read some of my old jokes and see what kinds of humor I like (just a suggestion to help nudge you guys). Also, keep in mind, I've read a lot of jokes, so if I know it, I'll let you know, unless I think it's really funny, worth hearing again. But it's up to me. I do keep an open mind with jokes though, and like almost all kinds. (PLUS: keep the jokes clean, and along with the rules of this forum please. ) Puns, stories, one liners, doesn't matter! This is how the points will be awarded:

Jokes that don't make first, second or third place, but do make me laugh, will be awarded three points each.

THIRD PLACE JOKE:
That person will get awarded 10 points

SECOND PLACE JOKE:
That person will be awarded 20 points.

FIRST PLACE JOKE:
That person will be award 50 points!!!

Any repeat jokes, the first person that posted it will be awarded the number of points that that joke might get. Anyone and everyone is free to join, even though it's a bit later in the game, it's not too late! And you don't have to post ten if you don't want too, but that's the limit. I hope this will be fun, and that you all will enjoy it! Best of luck to all. Now come and make me laugh.

Phoenix

 

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Current points are:

GDJMSP: 132
Cave Troll: 105
codydude815: 104
spock1k: 94
monkeyman: 58
Speedy: 55
DJCoins: 74
jon67: 69
mikenoodle: 33
mralexanderb: 13
1877: 10 points


*Even though some have exceeded the hundred point mark, they can still post jokes just for fun, but they already have a place secured in the Top Five.

Phoenix

 

Phoenix you have made the right choice we wont be seeing GD here for a while

 

so here is my joke

there were 10 mods going in the bus and a driver who is spock after a while the bus broke down so spock asked them all to get down and push a few minutes passed and the bus didnt move so the driver yelled push harder a few more minutes went by and the bus still didnt move so spock yelled what a bunch of good for nothing mods and he climbed down to see what was happening. you know what he saw?

He saw that 5 mods were pushing from the front and 5 were pushing from behind

Ill take the prize now Phoenix

 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Once they arrivedl, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he realized the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she could not get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she whimpered, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

A smart Blonde, a dumb blonde, and the tooth fairy were walking down the street and they all see a dollar bill. Who picks it up?

the dumb blonde. The smart blonde and the tooth fairy don't exist.

 

Little Johnny goes with grandpa to hunt worms. Johnny sees a worm and pulls it out of the ground. grandpa says ill give you 5 bucks if you can put him back in the ground. so Johnny runs in the house and grabs a can of hairspray, sprays the worm. the worm stifens right up and he pushes it back in the ground. so grandpa gives him his 5 dollars. the next morning little Johnny wakes up and there is 5 dollars on his pillow. so Johnny finds grandpa and says grandpa you already gave me my 5 dollars. and grandpa says i know thats from grandma.

 

that was before you threatened the OP with a gun I am waiting for your DQ to be coming in any minute now

 

third place will get 10 or 50 points? Remember i pointed this one out so like last time when you gave GD 20 bonus points i would like my 6 points gift wrapped please thanks

 

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the
house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail
box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever .

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'


To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

 

So you think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

 

What did the farmer get when he stepped on the rake???

-- Two acres!!!!

 

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?

 

I don't know guys----I really really like jokes....and I've just read both pages and haven't even smiled yet....

Speedy

 

The Magician and the Parrot There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when the parrot said i still cant figure out where you hid the ship.

 

Tree Hugger

A lady from New York State, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her purchase so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a Bald Eagle that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. Forest Service, the Bureau of Land Management, NYS Department of Environmental Conservation, and the Adirondack Park Agency before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. Im sorry, but they all turned me down.